I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
