last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize