Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize