I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
