It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
