dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
