I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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