well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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