So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
