Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize