wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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