the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
