she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
