I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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