it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Drake has all the answers
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
