I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
