My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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