if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize