the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
