when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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