it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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