I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
