Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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