I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
