need another drink. this is the easiest way
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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