Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize