The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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