I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
