I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
