if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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