My friends, they love my intelligence
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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