I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I deserve this hangover.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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