I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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