I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
