Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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