there's paper in my vomit.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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