Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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