I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
