I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Randomize
