he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
