i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize