i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
