I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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