If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
