I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
