i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
