I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
