Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Im part way to drunk.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
