On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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