I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
