i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
His hands were made for my vagina.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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