Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
