I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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