he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
