I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
