My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
You left your phone here
Wait...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
