When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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