I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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