Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize