this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
