I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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