Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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