I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
